It’s been 15 days. I didn’t know how I was going to feel about it all so I won’t pretend to say it’s better or worse than I thought it’d be. I knew I wouldn’t know how to react until it was really here.

Now it’s really here and I just miss him. I told him I loved him. There was nothing left unsaid or undone between us. In the end none of it matters. All that matters is you were there. Still my dad is gone and I don’t get it. I don’t really know where “he” is.

I did want to say some things at his service. But I couldn’t compose myself. I wanted to say that he was a good man. That he cared a lot. That he loved his family and gave everything he had to it. He always believed in his kids. Even when maybe he shouldn’t have. Sometimes I wondered WHY he would keep giving. Especially when I saw him taken advantage of. When I saw how he was treated and what he received in return for what he gave. No matter what, he was always ready to believe the best, and give it another chance.

I used to wonder why. But now I just wonder how. If I could give that much to my family, if I could give just HALF of the support and trust he gave his children. I would be a much better wife and mother.

When I was in labor with Ellie he came to the hospital to visit. He hated hospitals. But he was there and he held my hand and told me it would be OK. The morning after we came home from the hospital he was the first person to visit. 7 o’clock in the morning, there to see us. He held her up in his hands and looked at her. And while of course I was happy and could see that he was enjoying seeing his first little grand baby, I saw something else too. I saw how proud he was. I saw in his face what he must have felt when he held me for the first time. And to hold up your own child’s perfect baby… it must be a really good feeling that you’ve not only created something wonderful, but it’s continuing on and you can take pride in such a beautiful, and simple but miraculous thing.

There’s nothing left that I wish I could have told him but I wish I could hug him one more time. I wish I could hold his hand one more time and feel like I did when I was 8 years old. Small and safe and loved. Totally at peace and protected just because he was there beside me. And I hope wherever he is he feels safe and loved. And I hope he knows how proud I was to have him for my dad.