It’s been 15 days. I didn’t know how I was going to feel about it all so I won’t pretend to say it’s better or worse than I thought it’d be. I knew I wouldn’t know how to react until it was really here.

Now it’s really here and I just miss him. I told him I loved him. There was nothing left unsaid or undone between us. In the end none of it matters. All that matters is you were there. Still my dad is gone and I don’t get it. I don’t really know where “he” is.

I did want to say some things at his service. But I couldn’t compose myself. I wanted to say that he was a good man. That he cared a lot. That he loved his family and gave everything he had to it. He always believed in his kids. Even when maybe he shouldn’t have. Sometimes I wondered WHY he would keep giving. Especially when I saw him taken advantage of. When I saw how he was treated and what he received in return for what he gave. No matter what, he was always ready to believe the best, and give it another chance.

I used to wonder why. But now I just wonder how. If I could give that much to my family, if I could give just HALF of the support and trust he gave his children. I would be a much better wife and mother.

When I was in labor with Ellie he came to the hospital to visit. He hated hospitals. But he was there and he held my hand and told me it would be OK. The morning after we came home from the hospital he was the first person to visit. 7 o’clock in the morning, there to see us. He held her up in his hands and looked at her. And while of course I was happy and could see that he was enjoying seeing his first little grand baby, I saw something else too. I saw how proud he was. I saw in his face what he must have felt when he held me for the first time. And to hold up your own child’s perfect baby… it must be a really good feeling that you’ve not only created something wonderful, but it’s continuing on and you can take pride in such a beautiful, and simple but miraculous thing.

There’s nothing left that I wish I could have told him but I wish I could hug him one more time. I wish I could hold his hand one more time and feel like I did when I was 8 years old. Small and safe and loved. Totally at peace and protected just because he was there beside me. And I hope wherever he is he feels safe and loved. And I hope he knows how proud I was to have him for my dad.

sometimes when you’re sad. Cute bunnies help… a little.

The photos are coming along nicely! I am happy with tons of them and that is what counts. My legs are slowly returning to normal. They ached so bad all day long but tonight I’m actually able to stand up out of the chair and not immediately collapse onto the floor in pain. PROGRESS! Soon they will return to their normal state. Phew, glad to know I totally dodged that bullet of strengthening my muscles and doing something good for my body!

For the next week and a half to 2 weeks I’ll be trying to get all these photos done and out. Then I’ll be getting my website back up and going. Hopefully get a little work before the end of the year. I feel pretty good about it so it will be interesting, here’s hoping! And here are a couple pics from this past awesome yet painful weekend.

I’m so done. So so so done. I’d like to thank the wonderful lady who scheduled a 2:30 shoot and never showed up. I walked the entire park looking for her since there was an event going on at one side, I thought she might have gone to the other. Walking through grass, rocks, dirt and mud is REALLY fun while you’re carrying bags full of photography equipment.

It’s all especially exciting when you realize you’ve been stood up and have to treck BACK across the same park in 105 degree weather… I need lighter bags.

Anywho… I’m done, and the little boy who’s mom DID show up today was the cutest little thing. I can’t wait to get all these pictures done and out. And next time I offer a photo shoot weekend I will make sure I train ahead of time, run laps, climb mountains and crap like that. My legs are killing me.

You know that muscle on the top of your thigh? The one where if you run flights of stairs or maybe… spend hours squatting so you can be at a 2 year old’s level? That muscle is NOT my friend right now.

Today was great. The kids were good, I got some great shots and it went smoothly. Everyone showed up and was nice so I really really can’t complain. I REALLY can’t. I mean there is just no way since it went so well. No way at all that I could complain about anything… anything like how freaking sore I am. Or anything like how much I ache after chasing around three 18 month olds over the course of 6 hours. If I were to complain about how my knees are scraped raw from trying to run around on them so I could be at their level through a grassy, bumpy, rocky, stick and pine-cone infested park… well that would make me sound ungrateful since all in all it went so well.

Because it did! It went well. But Lord above… I might actually die. Has anyone ever died of achy soreness? I might be the first. There’s a good possability this could be my final day on earth. Well maybe I’m being a tad sensitive. I think the fact that I have to do it all over again tomorrow is what’s getting to me. Did 18 months ago half the population on earth give birth? Because tomorrow will be my FOURTH 18 month old. Crazy. 

18 months is a pretty cute age. That’s not the problem. The problem is their height. I think kids should grow taller a little faster. It would be so much better for my back. Even after soaking in a hot tub all night I still need help up off the couch as I can’t seem to lift myself at this point. I don’t actually know how I’m lifting my fingers to type on this keyboard. It’s hard but I’m suffer through it for the greater good.

And now I am going to bed. I am going to go to bed and get up tomorrow and do it over again… first I better make some childcare arrangements for my daughter. Possibly permanent ones.

I want to get my website back up, I have a renewed interest in my children’s photography work. Not that I ever really lost the interest I just didn’t make the time for it that was necessary. Recently I’ve had a lot of time to think. And think.. and think. And then the summer was over and school started for my one charge and I have even more time to think… and think.

I really didn’t put my heart into it last time to make it work. And I think I can really do it now. I picked out some old images and offered a free photo shoot weekend starting tomorrow at the park. I have 5 families coming down to be my willing subjects. I thought I’d be more nervous about this but I’m actually pretty excited.  I’m going to use all these to get my site going and perhaps drum up some clients! Should be pretty easy with the holidays coming up. At least that’s what I’m telling myself!

If not a totally profitable business at least I enjoy doing it and it will be my hobby. So tomorrow is my first 3 families and I am anxious to get started. Here goes!